Nat+curtin+Final

I exit the last door, in this maze of rooms, and step out into the starlight night. I am drowsy, alone and without any idea of what time it is. I can hardly walk; my legs stumble underneath me as I stagger forward. I turn around and see the lights still flashing at the entrance  to the nightclub, and the people lining like ants in front of it. It is cold and I see more stars in the sky than there actually is. My friends, if you could call them that, are still inside. They seem to be able to party all night every night, they smoke, drink, take dope and still manage to get up the next day. I take any two of these and can’t sleep, and any awareness of anything leaves me. I forget what I have done, so still I take them, not because I want to but because I want to fit in and others want me to. You could say I am follower, but if had no real friends no one who cared about you except your parents, you would take them to. I just fall in to the moment and pressure. I have taken drugs and been drinking not too long ago. I feel more wanted within my friends; I feel a sense of belonging when I do it like an insider of that group. This makes me feel happy, but it only last for a night, and makes me feel worse in the morning. This is not enough; I hate being stoned just to have friends, why can’t I have friends during the day when I am sober, and can remember the good times I am having. But until that time I will continue to walk down this road in my life. I suppose the road I am walking on right now is similar to my life. I have the smooth straights where everything is alright, but after awhile they get boring and you want some action. You then come across a bump or a bend in the road this is exciting after being on the straight. But it only lasts for a short time and after you finish you don’t even remember doing it. My friends seem to be on a bumpy or bendy road all the time, it’s like they are exploring or four wheel driving. I would like to be in this life style as well but I can’t seem to enter it, my family won’t let me enter it. Sometimes I believe I am in it, like now when I look around at my surroundings. Walking along the street drinking and smoking, but I always seem to realize that I am always alone; I have no one to smoke or drink with. I dreamed when I was an early teenager that by this time, when I am 18 it would be better. By going out and getting caught in this mess that I would find true friends, but I was wrong. I’ve always been wrong.

 I've drowned my sorrows with piss; I don’t know why I am now crying. I am starting to feel very heavy on my feet, I sit down in a darkened ally way and think to myself about what my friends would be doing right now. I reckon they would probably be hooking up with some person in the hope of getting laid tonight. My friends do this all the time and I don’t get it. If I was to have sex I would choose to have it with someone I had feelings for and even more so that it actually meant something to both of us. This idea of having random sex is absurd, and far-fetched to me, why do it if it doesn't mean anything, what happens when you want it to mean something. Anyway, because of this belief it excludes me from the group, don’t get me wrong, I want to have sex I hate the thought of still being virgin, but i want to do it with someone important and I don’t usually have time. I care about my well-being and by doing so care about my education, I take responsibility for a job and earn ok money, I care about my family and spend time with them. What could I be doing wrong? That’s it, I am too responsible...my friends don’t hold down a job they freeload off their parents, they frequently skip school, and take no responsibility for anything. Without commitments they have so much time to party, take drugs, get drunk and have sex. I don’t know why I have this underlying urge to become a part of this group and take part in such activities, I think it’s just the group part that interests me. Although I would also like people viewing me as cool, no commitments or responsibilities, freedom, have fun and have the chance to meet girls. But is cool, really cool? Are they having fun or is it just normal? Do they have no worries, or are they scared? Do they not have commitments or responsibilities, or are they running from them? Is it freedom, or are they trapped? Do they meet girls they can have a relationship with or is it always one night stands? These questions tumble in my head constantly. Every night I lie awake wondering why I don’t fit in to this group. Why can't I bring myself to live their lifestyle? Why don’t I want to become them, but want to be them? Why can’t I bring myself to stay a little longer with them and walk a girl home? I have realized now that the only thing stopping me from joining this group is myself and my conscience. I have the ability to live a good life.

I am feeling worse than ever now, I need to vomit but can’t. Looking around, I don’t know where I am, I think I am lost. There is no clue of what the time may be, my watch is missing and my phone as well. They must have been stolen during the party. This happens all the time a good night out always turns into a bad night when drugs and alcohol get involved, well in my experience anyway. My legs are shaking, and the frosting air starts to control my under clothed body. I get up to move around to the sheltered corner, but stumble to my knees. My eyes start to wonder inside my head, giving me a painful headache. I crawl around the corner a lay there for a minute, my head is pounding and I spew constantly, with little relief. The last thing I remember is looking at my dredged clothes and then seeing black… I’d past out. Another good night ruined.

I awake to the sound of garbage man collecting rubbish from the skip. I have no recollection of the night before and can’t even tell what day it is, but come to the conclusion it is Monday, as Monday is the day I usually take out the rubbish. I retrace my steps with difficulty, I am very hung over, and my coordination is far from perfect. When I reach the entrance to the ally way, I realize I am not too far from home. I suppose last night the fact that I was drunk and it was dark altered my thoughts of where I was. The sun is very high in the sky, and the immense heat fries my brain, I end up with another head ache but this one worse. I don’t deal with hang over’s well, I’m not use to them and therefore they affect me greatly. Funny thing is my friends don’t even complain about them. Staggering forward the last two blocks I realize Mum is in the garden. She’s only ever gardening if she’s worried about something and wants to get her mind off it. She must be worried about me. She doesn’t notice me until I stumble through the gate. She runs up to me and asks me where I have been, I tell her not to worry and just that I was staying at a friend’s place. I always lie to her, because if she knew the truth she would worry every time I went out and would not accept what I am doing, as she is very Christian. She helps me inside and asks if I would like breakfast, I decline and tell her I’m just going to go and sleep. Walking up the stairs to my room, it occurred to me that all my Mum does is care for me. I lay down on my bed and the thoughts of her generosity come to me. She has always been there, little things like making me breakfast I take for granted, but to her would mean something. I wonder if she knows what I’ve been doing all this time I leave the house. I start to think that she does, but won’t say anything because she knows that it is something I need to figure out myself. But if I need help she will always be there. She always reassures me about everything. She knows what I’ve been doing yet accepts it; I was wrong in thinking that she would not accept me or be ashamed of my actions. My thoughts wonder further away from to the topic until I decide I am conscience enough to play //Modern Warfare // on my Xbox. 

My intense battle is later stopped by a text message reading... Sent: 5.45pm, Hey mate, going out tonight, want in?.. It was sent by one of my friends; obviously they used someone else’s phone and typically forgot to leave their name. I quickly text back... Nah sorry, Mums got me doing jobs around the house because my brother is coming later tonight...I always have an excuse lined up; so that they don’t think I am wimping out or avoiding them. But come on they go nearly every night, what life is that. Besides I don’t feel too well anyway, my headache is still pounding my head and i frequently have to take bathroom breaks to expel from both ends. Even worse to go with my headache is my thoughts about what the others are doing now and what I am missing out on. Dinners ready now, and my headache has disappeared. I walk down stairs lighter now and can smell Mums cooking. I guess it’s a stir-fry, not my favorite, but I enjoy it still. The family is already seated, and i can see my Dad at the head of the table. I feel joy, as my father is usually on business trips and we only see him around once or twice a fortnight. I pull my seat out then reach over the table to greet my father, he looks tried but never the less gives a warm fatherly hand shake. I return to my bedroom, the aching in my head getting worse. My body sprawls out across my bed, the needing of sleep wipes any thoughts from my mind and I fall asleep.

I wake earlier the next morning in time for breakfast before I head of to work. I think to myself of an excuse to why I was away from work the day earlier. Mum helps me a bit and we come up with idea of an illness in the family. Mum can be cool sometimes. I work over the holidays at a mechanical repair yard. I learn a lot and get paid well too, although I don’t see it as my future. The boss is considering of my excuse and tells me next time to phone him. He adds that I will not be needed the whole day as an inspector is coming around to evaluate the site, and no work can be occurring at that time. Because of this I knock off just after lunch. I text Mum and tell her this so that she may hopefully leave some food for me. I return home to find one of the girls from school in conversation with my Mum. It’s one of my friends and she just wanted to borrow my computer. Her excuse is that it crashed on her, but I know that she and her boyfriend crashed on it. I know this because it’s not the first time it has happened, believe me. I show her up stairs, she’s quite an attractive girl, blond hair, blue eyes and a smile that could take away any tear. But that’s not why her boyfriend likes her. I think she deserves better. Anyway we get talking and i soon realise that she didnt want to borrow my computer she just wanted someone to talk to. i suppose this is good thing, that friends come to my just to talk. i think a bout it and i guess i am actually a true friend. Somehow I enter the topic of being an outsider, and one thing leads to another and before I know it I’ve confessed what feels like every feeling I have ever had towards being an outsider. See stares at me with eyes filled with surprise then starts lecturing me that she doesnt ahve it all she has nothing and would kill to be like me. im am shocked, naturally, because i thought my life sucked but really it rules. She has no real life, she has no self control, which allows her to skip school and throw away her education. the only thing she knows how to do is partying and going wild. She cant take responsiblity her way of life doesnt allow it, she cant have a job or even help others. her family life isnt great either, she lives with her Mum because her parents are divorced over a reciet affair her mother had. she tells me because of all this she has turned to drugs and alcohol as a way to run from her troubles instead of facing them. But you can only run so far and material goods are only a temporary releif. it feels good to start with but gets less and less effective, so you take more and more. soon you are addicted. i ask if she is and she confesses that she has almost died twice of over douses. i comfort her as much as i can but to completely, is impossible.